-
There is the death of a thousand cuts
Why can’t you do anything right?
Why are you so fat?
You are such a bucket head!
You sweat too much!
You are so stupid!
Your father left!
I didn’t want you to know your grandmother!
You are a lousy husband!
You are not the man I married!
You did not become the man I thought you would be!
You are a bad father!
You hurt me!
Why can’t you love me like I want?
Why don’t you pray and read the Bible with me?
You are smart enough to know better!
You put your work before us!
You didn’t pastor the way you should have!
You do not care!
So many many more. Each one a cut, a jab. I try so hard to not feel sorry for myself.
You are stupid to waste your time feeling sorry for yourself!
I try not to let them pile up.
I have told you this time after time and you never change!
I trust in God to love me.
You are such a sinner and can’t let go of the pornography!
I read Hebrews 6 and realize I have humiliated God and am cut off from Him.
So now I wait.
I continue to worship the God who deserves it even though I humiliated Him and am cut off because God is still worthy of praise. I pray for those in need hoping God will still hear my prayer. I lay here disabled and just try to make it through each hour. At times the pain is so horrific but I deserve it for I have dishonored God and hurt others. When this started I thought it was to glorify God but now I know it is just a preparation for hell. I wait for this pain to become the eternal pain I deserve. I am not depressed I just know.
So now I wait.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

-
April 3, 2018 Tuesday “But Mary stood outside by the tomb weeping, and as she wept she stooped down and looked into the tomb. And she saw two angels in white sitting, one at the head and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain. Then they said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?” She said to them, “Because they have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid Him.” Now when she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there , and did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?” She, supposing Him to be the gardener, said to Him, “Sir, if You have carried Him away, tell me where You have laid Him, and I will take Him away.” Jesus said to her, “Mary!” She turned and said to Him, “Rabboni!” (which is to say, Teacher). Jesus said to her, “Do not cling to Me, for I have not yet ascended to My Father; but go to My brethren and say to them, ‘I am ascending to My Father and your Father, an
Read more
-
September 3, 2017 Sunday             Even after a long Saturday I was able to go to Asbury and receive Communion and to worship my Lord and My Love.   We stayed for Sunday School and Peggy had a great lesson from Dr Kalas’ book Parables From the Backside Volume 2 .   A great class, a great teacher and a great book.               In the afternoon I tried to sleep but just was able to rest some.   VERY worn out by being so busy but it was good.   Bonnie remembers when we would visit Gramps, her grandfather; he would say that he would enjoy the memory of our visit for weeks.   Now I understand what he meant.   So many wonderful memories nourish me every day.
Read more
-
May 19, 2017 Looking back             As weeks turned to months the memories grew and even connected together.  A dark memory from my time in the Navy connected with a dark memory from my childhood.  Each one as I explained to my counselor and to Bonnie had a “ghost” with it.  A person who seemed to haunt my life.  Watching the news connected to a memory and suddenly I could smell, taste and see the memory and it became more real than my daily life.              At the same time I was growing weaker and the pain in the body was increasing.  There was a general weakness that began in my fingers and toes and moved upward more rapidly in my legs than arms.  The cramps became an agony and happened at least two times a night.  Lasting for about an hour each time I became more and more sleep deprived even with my C-Pap machine.             I contacted my Staff Pastor Parish Relations person and the District Superintendent to let them know about the trouble I was having as I was sl
Read more